Out of the Asexual Closet

There are a lot of (mis)preconceived notions out there on sexuality. Especially though when it comes to Asexuality. Here is where I am going to educate because a famous writer once said if you truly have the desire to know about something, the best thing to do is write a book on it. Well I think a blog post shall suffice for now.

First though I am going to give you the textbook (Google) definition on what Asexuality is:

An asexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction. Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are. –source

I am going to go a little further than that and say it’s more than not feeling sexual attraction, you don’t feel any sexual desires. I could watch a porn or an erotic movie and not get turned on. I can read a sexual interaction and not have any sexual reaction to it.

There are some myths to Asexuality though that I would like to clear up. And here’s where the fun begins.

Myth 1: Asexuals have been sexually abused at one point in their life.

This is not true for Asexuality and gives a bad rap to those who have been victimized in their lives at one point of another. Now at the age of 14 I was victimized by a guy I shouldn’t have been hanging around with. He didn’t rape me via sexual intercourse, but he did other things. I personally feel this has no bearing on my sexuality or lack there of.

Myth 2: Asexuality is a mental disorder.

Again, false. Asexuality is just as “normal” as allosexuality. There is nothing inherently wrong for a lack of sexual desire.

Myth 3: It’s physical, they have low lobidos.

Not true. There have been asexuals with very natural sex drives that can enjoy having sex, they just aren’t the initiators as it doesn’t come naturally to them to pursue sex.

Myth 4: They don’t masturbate enough.

I don’t believe self-pleasure as anything to do with increasing a desire you naturally do not come by. I have masturbated, I don’t do it very often (at all usually) and yes it can feel good, but it’s not that sex or masturbation doesn’t feel good to an asexual, it’s that they don’t naturally have a want for it. I can eat ice cream and enjoy it when I do, but only if it’s offered to me, I don’t go out of my way to have it. And I never buy it.

asexualMyth 5: They don’t know their sexual orientation/Haven’t met the right partner/They don’t know what turns them on.

Relationships are about romance, too. And I believe that everyone knows who they are romantically attracted to for a relationship. Whether it is man, woman or both. You still know.

The right partner is bullshit also. When I get in a relationship with a man I love and am in love with, I still won’t initiate sex, but I will have sex with them because I have the desire to connect and the desire to please him.

And yes, a big myth is that Asexuals can’t get turned on. It’s not true. We can enjoy sex as much as the next person, we just can go way longer without it than the next person. As long as other needs are getting met in the relationship.

 

 

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There’s Beauty in the Breakdown

I keep clinging to a friendship long gone. It’s been 3 years since we have seen or spoken to one another and for some fucked up reason, I can’t let it go.

I’m the kinda girl that gets more heartbroken over a friendship breakup than I do a romantic relationship breakup. And heartbroken I have been for quite some time.

I don’t remember what I did because I was going through a manic episode with psychosis, but I know it was major for her to go this long without talking to me. I know at one point she said I was sending her weird texts and she thought I was stalking her because she was fading out of our friendship — with me unaware — and I had asked a mutual friend how she was.

I’m not trying to paint myself innocent here, I know what I am capable of when I am not myself and I do not blame her in ending our friendship. But I miss her.

I’m just stuck. I can’t seem to get out of grieving the death of the friendship. I have known her since we were kids, we were always close. We have gone through so much shit together growing up and as young adults it’s just hard to let go.

I don’t even know if I know how to let go.

 

I talk about him with everyone — including my therapist

I relayed everything going on with Tim to my therapist yesterday that I told you here and here and here. She’s interesting because she seems to have a different take than anyone I have had give me feedback on this situation.

People have usually taken my side on what has gone on, and although my therapist has my back, she doesn’t see my side as being as innocent as everyone else has taken it. She’s not saying I am an antagonizer, but she sees that he was really hurt by me not going up to see him when he was sick. Hurt to the core is how she put it. In fact, she is surprised a bit that he’s still wanting to talk to me after that.

She also believes he was really hurt by my not making it up that way on his birthday and this I can believe because unprompted while eating some dessert 4-year-old ChildB says to me last night, “You didn’t come meet my daddy on his birthday.” A piece of my heart chipped off right there and Tim started laughing slightly and I didn’t know what to say because I wasn’t expecting that to come out of her mouth. I was all, “You’re right, I didn’t…” and then we moved on from there.

Both my mom and my therapist believe Tim and I shouldn’t have textersations. We should communicate by talking on the phone or face to face.

Then we started talking more about me and through every textersation I had shared with her that I had had with Tim and she thinks I hide behind my snark, rudeness and humor so I don’t have to feel. Well, true that.

Feelings are all feely and that’s uncomfortable.