Hey You With The Dreams in Your Head

When I was growing up, I had a friend. She had a plan. She wanted to be married by 21. The rest, I am foggy on, but that stuck with me. She was married a couple weeks before her 21st birthday and they are with child now.

I skate by. I never plan. I just think things like that, if they happen, will happen on their own. Well, it’s not happened yet and I see from experience there is a 50/50 shot it might not.

I don’t think I am very good at relationships. Why I feel the need to put that out there when you have experienced the blogging on the myriad of guys I have attempted a relationship with in the last 6 months is beyond my scope of recognition.

And here it comes.

My biggest fuckup by far I have to say is Derek. I haven’t finished the book yet, but I watched the movie on Netflix called “The Secret”. It’s about the Law of Attraction and really, that shit makes sense. I bring it up because last night I was thinking (yes, it gets me in trouble, but I refuse to stop) and I really miss Derek.

I still have his jacket so I used it as an excuse to make contact.

Me: I still have your jacket.

Derek: Which one is that?

Me: The plaid one. I miss you.

Derek: I have been missing you too. We should maybe go for a walk or something in the near future.

He was working because it took a bit for that last text to come in, but I seriously believe that my knowledge of The Secret lead to a positive response from him.

But I need to learn something. You see, when Derek and I got into that moment before the breakup, his stepping back for a moment lead me to feel neglected and unsure and I let the insecurities get the best of me. I need to learn to have patience with a man, especially someone as wonderful as Derek, because they may not process or communicate in the ways I expect them to. Everyone was telling me to give him time, but I just couldn’t see past my selfish desires for his attention. And I’m not saying the whole thing is my fault, he had lavished on me in the beginning so when he took a step back to process and just be Derek for a moment, it felt like a slap in the face.

Then I ran to Tim like a fool. Tim is nothing more than an old blanket that I always think is there to comfort and secure me, but is really there to feed off my insecurities and knock me down a peg or two.

I love Derek and I was a fool. This I know. And what am I going to do to change that? Learn to breathe. Step back. And think with both of us in mind instead of just me.

I really hope our walk is soon and is a good one. In fact I’m believing it will be. Expectation is the root of all heartache as Shakespeare once said, but I’ll take my chances.

A Feminist Buys a Barbie & Tells You Why

Barbie has had a lot of backlash from feminists for decades now. One of the proprietary reasons you hear from a feminist why Barbie is bad is because they believe it imposes unhealthy ideals to young impressionable girls on body image. Yes, Barbie is not sized proportionately to perpetuate a real woman.

But can I say something here? It’s a doll. I think some people take it way too seriously.

Dolls are for play, imaginative play. And when I was little I had a slew of Barbies and Kens to play with, or maybe just one or two Kens because in my young imaginative play, Barbie represented to me a woman who could do for herself. She had her own cars, her own businesses, she was what I envisioned for myself and shockingly enough — her body, her plastic doll body — had no effect on me. That was just the way Barbie looked. I was too busy in the actual imaginative world of Barbie to sit there and focus on her disproportionate body.

I think and I feel that society beating in the fact that girls who play with Barbie are going to grow up damaged and unsure of themselves because they don’t look like a doll is slightly more on the ridiculous side than it is on the healthier side of things. A lot of young minds, boys and girls alike, are accepting of people of all different shapes and sizes, it’s when we become teenagers and start to understand how the world works that the mentality of what looks right and what looks wrong comes into play.

I don’t think it’s very feminist of anyone to impose their ideals on anyone be it child or adult.

I leave you with this parody:


Could You Ever Think Outside of Yourself, Even if Only for a Moment?

Or: An Open Letter to Whom I Thought Would be a Great Friend.

Words hurt. They can be pretty damaging at times and damning to those who choose to wield them. I am pretty big on that saying, “I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue,” but even that has some exception to it.

My sister has been at my side since the day I was born. She has battle scars, emotional ones, from going to war for me when I couldn’t protect myself even from myself. She’s tough though and she’d probably tell you it was nothing, but it’s everything to me.

I don’t always get along with my sister. In fact, I have been guilty of not liking her now and again and I have said some things that at that time were true, but not infinitely so.

But one thing that pisses me off and would piss you off if the situation was reversed, is the words you chose about my sister to me. Venting to me in the beginning was fine. My sister does have a taste for a little more drama induced lifestyle, but isn’t that what makes life a little more interesting? And yes, she talks a lot, but thankfully it’s not just to hear her voice, she actually has a lot to say.

She’s not fake. Nor is she a cunt.

She may act like a bitch at times, usually if she’s not achieving the results she desires, but a cunt is technically a dirty, filthy, stank, rotten pussy. I don’t even use the term for the people I have no use or desire for. I don’t have any enemies, but if I did I wouldn’t degrade them to that level.

My sister has a big heart and she is genuine. She goes to bat for those she loves and she loves all of her friends. You two had a falling out, it happens. I don’t know exactly why it happened and I only know parts about it, and to be completely honest, I don’t think it matters.

I wish you the best, I just wanted you to know what all this did to me since I seemed to be the one forgotten in the mix. I really think you can be a very cool person, I like your chill personality, but to attack my sister verbally either to her face or to others and spout on about how she’s fake and two-faced is like attacking me personally. I would never trash your sister in that manner if this situation had happened between her and I.

Thank you for reading.



I Broke it Off

I couldn’t take anymore of this immaturity I was receiving from him. It showed me total disrespect and I don’t like being disrespected.

I texted him hey yesterday and he texted back the same an hour later. I said I am going to back off and he replied nothing, but proceeded to be acting like a clown all over Facebook. I messaged him on Facebook saying that I couldn’t back off because what he was doing was bothering me immensely. I asked him to call me when he had a moment. I had already made my decision, but he didn’t know that yet. He read it, didn’t respond. So I called him. He didn’t pick up and he doesn’t have voicemail.

I broke it off with him via Facebook:

Yeah, I tried calling you. I have made a decision that’s best for me and I don’t want to do this anymore. I thought calling you to at least tell you that way since I can’t see you would be the most respectful way I could do it, but apparently that didn’t work. Good luck in life. Thanks for the time spent together and I wish you the best. Take care.

He read it, but didn’t reply. I waited about 10 minutes and then deleted him from my Facebook. This was yesterday at 2pm and he hasn’t tried contacting me.

This may be my cleanest break yet. And thanks to his awful behavior prior to it, it’s much easier and I am not sad at all.

I went over to Tim’s place yesterday to see him and the kids. Tim thinks that Derek lacked game. He referred to him as a dork. I guess that means someone who tells you they desire a commitment from you, but can’t deliver one. He thinks Derek just didn’t know what he wanted.

I missed Tim and the kids. And it was awesome seeing them because I could definitely tell I had been missed. Even kid 1 missed me and he usually acts like Joe Cool when I am around.

I have to get ready for work now. I love my job, but I do miss the days of having little to no obligations.

Fuck Ships. Especially Relationships.

You guys. I think there is something wrong with me. And when I say I think, I mean I know. I just like to think. I don’t know. Anyway.

Derek ignored me all night last night. I had texted him an apology for my infractions and he said we were good and that to be careful with the words “we need to talk” because they usually mean trouble. The rebel in me wanted to be like, “Fuck off,” but the good girl won and texted that I understood.

A couple hours go by and I ask how is day is going. Nothing. A few more hours go by and I say, “Awesome. Glad to hear it. ;)” and not one minute later I read from him, “Easy with the ‘tude.”

Okay. Got it.

I send a wink face again in reply and nothing. A couple hours from that I decide to call and see if I get the priviledge to know how his day went. No answer. He’s all over Facebook though. Cool. Nice. Fantastic. I let an hour go by when I text, “Next time you want to be left alone, may I please have some notice? Thank you.” I receive, “Ya OK.” I then respond with, “Cool. Night.” and again, nothing.

Today on my break at work I see I received a text from him, it reads: “Hey [insert waving emoji here]”

I reply, though looking back, I shouldn’t. Let him know I have a few minutes left of break and that I miss him [why I threw that in, I don’t know] and he says he misses me too. I call bullshit. But just crack a joke and tell him I have to go but I’ll check him later.

He’s working now.

Honestly I really feel like I want to end it. I told him profusely that communication is huge to me. Apparently he can have all the attitude he wants, but I have to be easy. I don’t want a relationship like this. I care about him and feel more for him than I ever did with Jorge, but I’m not sure it’s worth it. And as I learned with Jorge, hearts and wounds do heal. They may take time, but they heal.

I don’t know what happened. It seems like a change over night. He went from constantly showing me affection, appreciation and extreme like to not giving a damn almost.

I don’t know. I’m frustrated, annoyed and really confused. I think I have to see him before I make any rash decisions.

I Never Take Much for Face Value

Derek and I had an argument last night at the hour of one in the morning. Via text. And though my intentions were not to have an argument at one in the morning, I have failed to see how it isn’t really my fault.

I want to share with you the conversation, but unlike most text conversations that I do share with you, I am going to keep this one to myself because I really don’t want to incriminate anyone or have trust between me and Derek to falter.

I wanted to have a talk with him and I let him know at one in the morning because I couldn’t sleep and other than that I don’t have a good cause for texting that particular kind of text at that particular hour in the night. When he simply inquired about what, I thought it best to be general and said just some things I had been thinking about. But I couldn’t keep it at that and explained that I had felt a difference in him since we had sex.

It must be me though because he didn’t get it and that’s where the argument ensued. Now he thinks that I think the only reason he is with me is for that when I hadn’t said that at all. I have just felt that since we had sex, he has been slightly distant with me. Like I pushed him into it before he was ready or something.

It could be all in my head, I don’t know. I am new to this. I date without my whole heart and this time someone actually has it in their possession. I wish mine came with a sticker stating, “You break it, you buy it.”

Drop the ‘tude, dude.

To really love and care about a person, you have to accept them as they are and not care for them in spite of their flaws, but in addition to their flaws. I’m not flawless, for that I am sure, but there is one thing about Derek that I’m picking up that I wouldn’t say is bothering me, but it’s doing something enough for me to want to blog about it.

Derek cuts you with words. Not in a malicious way, there isn’t any mal content I am picking up, but it’s in a way that makes me step back a bit when he does it. I know there have been three specific occasions when it has occurred, but I can only remember a couple.

Derek was putting a grocery bag filled with something in his backpack when I simply asked, “Is that beer?” He replied with a little venom when he said, “Yeah. What do you think it is?” He caught himself and apologized, but it was a little shocking because I hadn’t ever heard him talk to me that way before.

Then last night we were in my car when my sister texted me that she was on her way and so I was replying “Cool” when he was like, “Seriously? Are you that person who always has to reply to a text when someone is on their way?” And just reading these really doesn’t convey his biting tone when he says them. But I explained to him that I like to be acknowledged so I always acknowledge those around me.

I really do like him. In fact the, other night I told him in my sleepy haze that I was falling in love with him and he said, “I’m already there, girl, I’m already there.”

He compliments me in every way. Through his actions, in his words. I feel I’m on cloud nine that not even the ‘tude can bring me down. I just like to blog about flaws and I tend to pick at relationships.

Also, he professes which to me is huge. We can be around anybody and he’ll at least once bring up how much he likes me and how I’m his girl. As Alice says, he’s all about me. Which Alice and I agree we both like that.

Have you ever been with someone and wondered what is it they see in you? Not in the insecure way, just in the sake of curiosity.

I miss Derek and I have work at noon and he has work at four.

I’m smitten.