When I was growing up, I had a friend. She had a plan. She wanted to be married by 21. The rest, I am foggy on, but that stuck with me. She was married a couple weeks before her 21st birthday and they are with child now.
I skate by. I never plan. I just think things like that, if they happen, will happen on their own. Well, it’s not happened yet and I see from experience there is a 50/50 shot it might not.
I don’t think I am very good at relationships. Why I feel the need to put that out there when you have experienced the blogging on the myriad of guys I have attempted a relationship with in the last 6 months is beyond my scope of recognition.
And here it comes.
My biggest fuckup by far I have to say is Derek. I haven’t finished the book yet, but I watched the movie on Netflix called “The Secret”. It’s about the Law of Attraction and really, that shit makes sense. I bring it up because last night I was thinking (yes, it gets me in trouble, but I refuse to stop) and I really miss Derek.
I still have his jacket so I used it as an excuse to make contact.
Me: I still have your jacket.
Derek: Which one is that?
Me: The plaid one. I miss you.
Derek: I have been missing you too. We should maybe go for a walk or something in the near future.
He was working because it took a bit for that last text to come in, but I seriously believe that my knowledge of The Secret lead to a positive response from him.
But I need to learn something. You see, when Derek and I got into that moment before the breakup, his stepping back for a moment lead me to feel neglected and unsure and I let the insecurities get the best of me. I need to learn to have patience with a man, especially someone as wonderful as Derek, because they may not process or communicate in the ways I expect them to. Everyone was telling me to give him time, but I just couldn’t see past my selfish desires for his attention. And I’m not saying the whole thing is my fault, he had lavished on me in the beginning so when he took a step back to process and just be Derek for a moment, it felt like a slap in the face.
Then I ran to Tim like a fool. Tim is nothing more than an old blanket that I always think is there to comfort and secure me, but is really there to feed off my insecurities and knock me down a peg or two.
I love Derek and I was a fool. This I know. And what am I going to do to change that? Learn to breathe. Step back. And think with both of us in mind instead of just me.
I really hope our walk is soon and is a good one. In fact I’m believing it will be. Expectation is the root of all heartache as Shakespeare once said, but I’ll take my chances.